For some professional sports franchises, ineptitude is just contagious. It travels down from the owners box, into the front office, spreads onto the field, and oozes into every other part of the organization. The business and marketing side. Customer service. Ticket sales.
Even, in some cases, the broadcast booth.
This afternoon, WOR, who acquired the radio rights to Mets this winter—meaning for the first time since 1987 the Mets’ Lol-ness will not be heard on WFAN—will broadcast its first game of the year. A spring training affair against the Washington Nationals. As I write this, we have about three hours to go until the first pitch.
And, as I write this, WOR has still yet to hire a pre- and post-game show host.
Ed Coleman, who has been doing pre- and post-game work for the Mets, and who I now assume is living on the street since I’m pretty sure he’s spent the past 35 years sleeping in the broadcast booths at Shea Stadium and Citi Field, is staying at WFAN. One would have assumed that filling this role would have been somewhat of a priority for the Mets/WOR, since, ya know, it’s kind of an important job. For that matter, though, so is that of the man who handles the majority of your investments—and yet Fred Wilpon seemed to have no problems letting things skate there. Why start now?
Anyway, since the team and station have apparently yet to see a résumé they like, I figured why not give it a shot. No, I haven’t spoken into a microphone since my senior year in college when the brilliant Chase Kressel and I managed to get NYU’s radio station to stop playing super-underground-indy-garage-drummy-wailing sounds for a half hour so that we could give scorching hot takes on sports. But I don’t see why that should be a problem.
Here’s the job description.
Clear Channel Communications, Inc. is the world’s largest radio and outdoor advertising company with leading market positions in each of its two business segments; Media & Entertainment and Outdoor. Clear Channel is also one of the most innovative media players in the market – a leader in the converging media space, having developed best-in-class integrated media offers (e.g Radio/Web) and having built significant positions in the HD arena.
We are on the hunt for a superstar with talent. The successful candidate will have the proven ability to host pre- and post-game sports shows (including, but not limited to, live and recorded on-field interviews with players and coaches) as well as play-by-play game coverage. Candidate should have an understanding of sports, news/talk and general radio programming principles. Candidate should have a strong knowledge of baseball particularly.
And here’s my application.
Have the ability to think clearly and quickly under pressure situations:
Last night, I woke up at 3 a.m because I have the bladder of a 97-year-old man. It was dark and cold and I had a friend sleeping over. Also, I just had knee surgery last week and am rocking a huge brace and walking with crutches. But, I needed to go, and I needed to quickly. Oh, also, without glasses my eyes are about as useful as American Hustle. They certainly leave me as confused. And yet, here I am now, a happy man working on a good night sleep and a piss-free sheets. You want pressure? Try finding the bathroom on one leg with no eyes in the middle of the night and in the dark. Oh, and my aim was perfect too.
So, let me ask you: Do I seem like the kind of person who would struggle talking about how the Mets’ incompetent bullpen, and lack of ability to hit baseballs, and catch baseballs, and do anything to make David Wright not feel like the Varsity kid playing on the JV, led to yet another loss?
Be able to work well with your producer:
I’ll one up you! In college, when I was breaking shit down on the radio, I was the producer! And me and myself always got along great.
Demonstrate solid news judgment:
This Tweet from yesterday is all me, baby. How’s that for news judgement!
Exercise self-discipline and time-management skills:
This is one of those trick questions, right? Like list your greatest weaknesses. Asking a broadcaster who you are about to hire after the start of the season how his time management skills are? Also, I have never invested in anything that is too good to be true and always know where my money is. Actually, maybe I’m applying for the wrong job.
Ability to work well and in a professional under pressure and tight deadlines:
Well, it took me about two seconds to catch the typo in this sentence. That shows something, no? And if by tight deadlines we mean working at the same speed that you guys are to fill this position, well then I’m your man.
Enjoy being promotionally active with listeners and clients:
I’d say about 80 percent of my Friday nights are spent at a Shabbat table with somewhere between 8-14 people. Jews are bred for small dinner parties, the way Kennedy’s are for politics, and nobody I know is better at entertaining a handful of people than me.
Minimum of 3 years on-air pre- and post-game, sports talk and play-by-play experience:
Experience is overrated. Just ask your manager and general manager and owners. I mean, I’m willing to bet the person in charge of filling this position in time for the season has tons of experience—and look how well that’s going.
Candidate would need to travel to all away New York Mets baseball games:
You guys can still cover expenses, though, right? I should add, kosher food is more expensive.
Be social media savvy:
Ah, and here I was about to explain how I have an understanding of Twitter that rival’s Darren Rovel’s. In fact, I think his list is too short. But then I realized that this is probably where most applicants are stumbling. The Mets (who I believe are in charge of these hires, or at least involved them. If not, whoops.) don’t want employees who are savvy in social media the way other team’s employees are. The Mets like to be outside the box. You guys want someone who knows how to keep fans guessing and on their toes. Who knows how to keep all information coded, and who can engage the fan bases without even removing the phone from his pocket.
So, here you go:
Have a deep knowledge of all FCC rules and regulations:
If it’s a word or phrase I’d usually use to describe the Mets or one of their games, I promise not to use it.